There's nothing like a self imposed moritorium to really get a girl motivated.

The hardest thing is wanting something so badly that I'll shut myself off in an effort to dedicate myself completely at the task at hand. To have ambition that sometimes infiltrates into other areas of my life and as a result makes me anything from emotionally distant with the people I care about, to an occasional moment of weakness, to even shedding the occasional tear.

For what it is that I want to do, is purely motivated by my heart's desire and not through any obligation to anything or anyone but myself. So letting myself down is my biggest fear. Because, when it's all said and done, when I reflect on my life I don't want to have regrets that outshadow my successes. I don't want to forfeit wisdom for disappointment.

I don't want to be less than I know I'm capable of being.

Where I stand now is in an interesting position. I have a sure bet, a bright future in which I can be in control. Or, a not so sure bet, where I have to relinquish all control and just submit to the whim of the universe.

So I sit.
Staring at my computer screen, looking at pages of prose, event plans, workplans, pages of research, advancement goals, and tear sheets for some photoshoots I'm working on. I can't help but feel overwhelmed.

I'm here and the right thing to do is to get started... I have to just stop staring out the window put down the phone, stop searching missing jewellery and put down the bag of chips. If I want to be who I want to become, then I need to buckle down.

Then as type these words, it occurs to me, it's not what we do does not define us. It's simply how we do it.

I'm going to do it...

NOT alone... And, I pick up the phone and call Parul.