My answers to Derrick's "IF I WAS DRUNK" survey
As requested by Thunderpuss Geisha

1.If I was drunk the least likely job I'd be able to perform would be?

The job of a sober person. Of course!

2. If I was drunk the job I'd most likely have no problem performing would be?

Chemist. The only people who mix liquids at work are Chemists and Drunks. In an effort to conceal the former, I’ll sign up for the latter.

3. If I was drunk the song I'd have the least shame about singing outside of a paramours bedroom window would be?

“Bob Bob Bob! He Doesn’t Attract Mosquitoes! Bob Bob Bob! He likes to eat Doritos!” (Doritos ad circa 1992)
Or, Sir Mix A lot’s “Baby Got Back” translated into French. Yes, I know it, I did it, I’ll make it happen with a few margaritas and a request to turn on the radio.

4. If I was drunk the most brazen question I'd ask on a first date would be?

If the person sitting next to us would be so kind as to give me money so I can buy my date and I another drink.

5. If I was drunk the piece of clothing I'd have the least amount of shame parading around in public would be?

A shirt that says,”Bachelorette” so I can get free drinks at the pub.

6. If I was drunk at the governors ball immediately following the Academy Awards the person I'd feel best about throwing up on would be?

Kirsten Drunks-Dunst! Just give me one good reason why one should NOT puke on her.
FYI: Kirsten has successfully answered questions #1-actor, #2-actor, #5-the hideous dress she wore to the oscar’s this year and #6 – herself.

7. If I was drunk the car I would most want to vandalize would be?

My own, so I could find a hottie to drive me home, whilst under the influence and, subsequently, unable to drive myself/ unwilling to pay for a cab.

Kirsten Dunst also vandalizes her own car, but, by running into things.

8. If I was drunk the job I'd lie about having in order to get laid would be?

I don’t need to lie in order to get laid.

Kirsten Dunst lies about being a good actress

9. If I was drunk the sign I'd most likely ignore would be?

Men’s Room. Do I really have to explain?

Kirsten Dunst ignores stop signs on the road

10. If I was drunk the woman I'd feel least ashamed about giving an open handed slap to the face would be?

Ted Simonette – The Canadian Tire Guy. Hate that bitch and his multi-use Mastercraft socket sets!

11. If I was drunk the friend I'd feel most comfortable about lying about having had sex with would be?

Derrick, because no doubt he's lied about sleeping with me. A body like mine has the ability to turn sinners into believers.

12. If I was drunk the tattoo I'd most likely INSIST on getting would be?

Forget Me Nots on the front of my… umm… Because, once you’ve seen it you will forget me not.
Yeah, I can hear the groans.

Kirsten Dunst would get Enter Here just above her rear (That's how Jake Liked it.)


13. If I was drunk the person I'd ask to stop 'hating' on my dancing would be?

*Insert Your Name Here*

14. If I was drunk the most socially awkward thing I could accuse my mother of being would be?

Honestly, my mother is a saint! Why would I ever say something terrible?! Now, YOUR mother on the other hand. Historically, I stand next to her and make beeping sounds when she steps back. She doesn't take offense, she actually find it helps in maneuvering her wide load.

15. If I was drunk the family restaurant I'd feel the least ashamed about throwing up in would be?

Golden Griddle… Misery loves company.

16. If I was drunk the most ridiculous racial slur I'd use against someone would be?

LIMEY HEADED TOWEL HEARDER!

17. If I was drunk the most Pius person I'd ask to 'stop judging me' would be?

Jesus. Because I have more friends than him on facebook.

18. If I was drunk the storefront I'd feel the least ashamed pissing on would be?

Ew. No. However, I would love to smash the whore-endous mannequins at B2.

19. If I was drunk the most random thing I'd have a candle light vigil for would be?

A candle light vigil for the speedy close of this survey.

20. If I was drunk the deity I'd most want to blame for my problems would be?

Tom Cruise’s Witchcraft God.
Causes me a lot of stress he does.

Oh, man, the candle light vigil worked!
Now I’m going to go and inject some vodka into an orange so I can keep this buzz going at work tomorrow.