Look, I realize there are much more important topics to cover in this world, but, I'm afraid I have to deal with a topic that is by far more disturbing than anything you'll see on the front page of the The Star.

What could this be? Celebrity coochies are on the loose! And, boy are they ever loose!

har har

So let's have a brief timeline of the paparazzi cunt hunt...

It began with shots of Paris' naughty bits, plateaued with Lindsay Lohan's famously nicknamed firecrotch and progressed to Britney Spear's nearly successful rebound cooch.

WHAT IS GOING ON!?

The debutants at the charm school cotillion are probably busting their bolts like a Stepford Wife short circuit.

So pink is the new "wardrobe malfunction", I see. Breasts are so yesterday's news and please, sex tapes! They scatter attention amongst the participants. It's obvious that to grab attention, celebrities needed to come up with a new strategy, and what a strategy it is!!

Paris, well your crotch is a road well travelled, so I have little to say.
Lindsay, you cannot over compensate for your declining career with your hoochie. It's even less entertaining than your recent film career.
Britney, I have nothing to say. Just ew. Put a towel down or something.