"How did everyone get ahead of me? Why did everyone butt infront of me?"
"BECAUSE WE'RE TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM YOU!"

That's how the June 25th, Mariposa boat cruise came to a close. An obnxious 40-something year old drunkedly singing soccer anthems in an over crowded 12'X4' closed space and my irritation coming to the fore.

Booze Cruise?
no no no.
Cougar Cruise.
Fogie Boat.
Biddie Barge.
Honky Crossing.
Anything is a more apt description of Joel's Private Party aboard the "Luxurious" Captain Matthew Flinders.

Here's my review & commentary on the day that will forever be remembered as: The Day A Piece of My Soul Died.

First off, I should explain how I came to be on this lake bound greyhound. It all happened when a good friend of mine called me up thrilled and enthusiastic for the forthcoming "Joel's Private Party & Anniversay Boat Cruise". Apparently, it was a blast and that was all the testimonial I needed to say that I was in.

When we all arrived to the dock at Queen's Quay, there were a number of signs that should've told us to turn back.

- The captain remembered our friend from last year.
- The crew looked sad and defeated as they "welcomed" us on board.
- The amount of over processed middle aged people out numbered us 10 to 1
- No one on my team had deep dark fake tans, bloated bellies, bikini tops from the 80's, or moustaches like an employee at O.C.C.
- Ginos a plenty. Seriously. It was like we were on a Gino Refugee boat. Obviously trying to escape persecution due to their excessive meterosexuality.

In fact, the boat was populated with a mixed bag of losers and of course set adrift for 4 hours. A genius plan to reward the white collar population of Toronto with a few hours of rest.

"I know! We will get a skanky boat, fill it with liquor and cold cuts and the no collar subset will flock! We will charge the poor suckers so we not only get some rest BUT we will turn a profit!"
"OMG, That's GENIUS! But, what if they procreate? This breed of man seems to be unusually fertile like most bottom feeders. They often give birth to litters instead of a sole child."
"Don't worry, the rolls have something that looks like poppyseeds, but it's a clever form of birth control"
"Who will steer the cruise?"
"The Captaintude with Mulletude."

That's my interpretation of how the day was born. Now enter the feeling of entitlement the men on the cruise sport. Entitlement to treat the women like delicious pieces of meat to a dog who hasn't eaten in a week, or longer, or EVER!!
Ass smacking, ridiculous feats of strength, the incessent touching, prodding and obsession with the wome on the cruise.

The Cougars wanted the young ginos.
The Elderly men just wanted a woman. Any woman. Any woman at all!

My girls and I heard it all:

"Come on have a shot, you need to loosen up."
"Not with you people. Nope sorry!"

"I just want to jump up and give the finger to all the people working in their offices this Sunday and shout 'FUCK YOU! I'M LIVIN' THE LIFE! I'M NOT WORKING TODAY!' HA HA HA!"
"Those people don't work on Sundays. They are livin' the life & vacationing with their families in their cottages up in Muskoka."

"No one wears a hoodie up on the cruise! You're cute, want to join me and my girl."
"It's 'My Girl and I' and I wear a hoodie so that I can have some level of anonimity on these 4 hours that I'm forced to share with you."

"Are you staring at my ass, Pops?"
"You have a nice ass"
"You are old enough to be my GRANDFATHER!"
"Does that turn you on?"
"Getting close to the geriatric set does nothing for me. Don't look, touch or come near me or my friends. You are disgusting. The only bit of salvation I get from this conversation is that I know you will die soon and we will all be released from your lesciviousness" (okay, the last part I didn't say. But, I wanted to.)

"Bite the gum out of my mouth."
"Will it get you off my back?"
"Yes."

"MY GOD THOSE LEGS! THEY ARE SO LONG AND THEY GO RIGHT UP TO YOUR-"
"please, just stop there."

So to add insult upon injury, the cruise operators had the audacity to advertise their upcoming cruise on August 12!! My friend and I just laughed a little too hard when they thought their rank party was fun enough to warrant returning!

The food = sucked
The people = nasty and gross
The environment = poor and coated in liquor

Trust me, after participating in this party, you'll want to leave and take a long long shower to wash the remains of the skankiness off of your skin.

Photos to soon follow! I promise, this isn't one post that's going to die soon. It has set a new standard for "rock bottom"!

ttfn, kids!