Aretha Franklin sings better than you, your cousin, your friend who kills at karaoke and your mom's tender voice when she lulled your infant self to sleep.

Yes, Aretha Franklin is the legend and she serenaded me last Friday at Roy Thomson Hall.

While the set opened up with a set of her most haunted tracks (Respect, Natural Woman, Chain of Fools), floated with the Jazz stylings of her "impossible to locate the name of" 22 piece big band and settled into tracks off her soon to be released CD, Aretha: A Woman Falling Out of Love

Women were wearing their church pearls, youngling admirers presented the Queen of Soul with bouquets of flowers, beads of sweat were whiped off of fevered brows and a 5 minute set of "GEEE-ZUZ!" piously encouraged maladroit white women to thrash their arms excitedly, with only the occasional flap landing on beat.

I do believe I saw a few individuals flee fearing for their lives.

I merely sat calm and composed enjoying the rare display of enthusiasm from the all to oft cold Toronto audiences. Yes, white women, you thump, wallop and swish your appendages as violently you like... for you wag your colourless wings to a legendary voice.

Let them live out their fantasy of being in Aretha's band. To be a back up singer, or perhaps to be the tambourine player.

Rhythm and sass, the two things required to be a successful tambourine percussionist. The position, currently being fulfilled by "Insert name of the nameless woman who entertained me thoroughly with her tambourine stylings" would be revered by many a woman.

You want to tour with Aretha?
You don't have much talent?
YOU CAN BE HER NEXT TAMBOURINE PLAYER!

I could see the natural hunt. Posters, flyers, ads and perhaps even a reality show. ARETHA'S TOP TAMBOURINE PLAYER!

Line ups would be long, stretch for miles of potential hopefuls. And, the reels of uncoordinated bad auditions would be edited in for comic value. The woman who fashioned a giant hoola hoop tambourine. The one who brings in castenettes. Or, the Lady Godiva impersonater with bells on her toes who gets irate when the panel of judges, occupied by Stevie Nicks, Tracy Partridge and Davey Jones try to tell her she just doesn't have the talent.

But, one will surpass them all. One woman from the down and out streets of Harlem. She, the one intended to be Aretha's lead Tambourine player, wowed them all. Her double handed technique shouted legend. The shimmy was the perfect soundtrack to her dancer like moves. And, her passion, ah yes, above all her unshakeable life long PASSION for the tambourine can be felt by all.

Enviable glance from the white women.

Joyous glances from me.

This was a really weird post. I swear I am sober.
And, this tambourine player exists!